Diary of a Confused Teenager trying to Grow Up
Copyright © Almandyne 2018
All Rights Reserved.
Note to the Reader – The following is a work of fiction. That’s (maybe) loosely based on a true story.
July 11, 2014
Why is it that though it’s always the nerds that get applauded in the class all day, it’s the last benchers that I’m the most jealous of?
As a student who calls herself an above average student, who’s done pretty well in tests and earned a lot of respect and admiration from teachers all her life, I’m really ashamed about that. I mean, how miserable could my life be that that I’m jealous of a bunch of guys who do nothing but get insulted by every freaking person at school? Urgh.
The monster, who we’re all forced to believe is a biology teacher, started her rant early in the morning today. First class and she just had to ruin it for everybody. Anyway, so she starts by praising her favorites for listening to her and moves on and picks on the last benchers, as usual, to feed herself her daily dose of shaming people unnecessarily.
“Were you listening?”
What did she think? That they were? Of course, everybody knows they weren’t. What kind of a question is that?
But those guys don’t go for the immediate no. They settle for a short lasting state of awkward silence where nobody moves or makes a sound, no heads are lifted, all eyes are stuck to the book in front of them, that’s probably not even of the same subject, and everybody in the class is scared for them, except them.
“Can you repeat it to me?”
Again, pointless question.
But she goes ahead and picks one of them to shame him a little more than the rest.
“Do you or do you not know the answer?”
Obviously, he doesn’t respond.
And that’s when something lights up in her and she’s on a full on mission to destroy everything in her way.
“Is this why your parents sent you to school? Did you know that when we were young we didn’t even have electricity in our houses? No light bulbs to read with. We sat on the streets and read from the streetlights – which didn’t even work half the time. And here you are, with such great facilities in our school and all you do is waste your time!”
Sometimes I even find myself shivering as she’s shouting at him.
“Do you not have any shame?”
He doesn’t. I swear, he doesn’t. Or at least he can pretend like he doesn’t.
All that drama and he just looks so – chilled out. He looks down at the floor, up at the teacher, back at the floor, or maybe his shoes, and lifts his head up again and just stares around the class till he sees one of his friends laugh at him and then smiles back likes he’s so proud of what just happened.
I don’t know how he does it either.
If I was in his place, I would’ve been writhing on the floor in tears and begging for mercy like my life depended on it.
Not that I respect that woman or think she makes any sense. I think she’s full of shit too. And yet, I make sure I listen to every thing she says. Like a puppet. Just ‘cause I can’t face the fact that she might hate me.
I wish I wasn’t such a people pleaser. I wish I had a little more guts to do the things I wanted to do without having to worry what irrelevant people, who do nothing but shout, and rant, and curse little children, and ruin lives, will think of me. I wish I was brave enough to be okay with being myself.
I wish I was more like him.
I haven’t been all that into the idea of studying lately. Not that I hate it. I don’t. I mean, I’ve been doing it all my life. And I think I’ve been doing it pretty well. So, I can’t say I hate it. Especially when it’s the only thing I’ve been doing with my life. But lately it’s just gotten much harder to deal with. Nothing quite sparks my interest anymore. Everything’s just dull and boring and grey and hopeless to look at. Did I mention boring?
Mostly because I’m 16 now, and I’m told to relate everything I’m interested in with a freaking career. Do I like birds and human beings? Take bio. Or is it integrations and differentiations that make my day? Then take math. And I don’t mean for class in school. For coaching institutes. At school I was forced to take both math and bio because mum thinks I should be a doctor and dad worships math. And well I just had to choose both. So, yeah. I hate my parents.
Coaching is a different scenario. Institutes don’t quite coach you for both the entrance exams. You’ve gotta choose one. Math or bio – or to be more precise IIT or NEET; Engineering or Medicine; one hell or another. And there isn’t a day that goes by without somebody asking me why I haven’t made a decision yet.
What do you mean by why I haven’t made a decision yet? Isn’t it obvious?
I’m only SIXTEEN.
Like, that’s not too young. People my age do tend to do great things. And if not great things they at least have a career planned out for themselves. Including all my friends who are each attending a coaching institute of their own choice or mostly their parents’. Some have been attending since the beginning of this school year. Some since last year. Some even since they were twelve. But still. We’re talking about me here. And I can’t make a decision now.
September 1, 2014
They put me in medical coaching.
Why? ‘Cause they continued to pester me to make a decision, and all I could think of was Grey’s Anatomy and well.
I’m going to be a doctor now. Urgh.
Classes will be from 4 to 8, after school everyday. Every single day. Including Sundays but with extended timings that start from the morning. I’ll teach myself to deal with it, I guess. I should be okay.
September 27, 2014
I am not okay.
Do you hear me? I am not okay.
I mean, I did top my class several times and all that. But I don’t feel okay. Something just isn’t right.
Maybe biology isn’t my thing.
I mean, maybe evolutionary biology is kinda my thing, but the whole “human being” thing? Definitely not my thing. What am I going to do?
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